I am absolutely pathetic.  I've been sitting down all afternoon, it seems I am not able to move, only sit here and think.  I'm trying to make myself go out and watch a movie, to force some new impulses into my brain.  In sheer desperation I will see the semi-new Harry Potter movie, that's how much I need to kick myself in the head right now.  Unemployment and other mind-itching issues are making me something I do not enjoy being.

Thank you for letting me complain.

agh...

I know i'm generally pretty sappy and probably boring in my blogs, mostly talking about how i'm so happy or how God is looking out for me.  It's like the theme of my life, though.  God's provision and his close and loving care for me.  But lately--it's as if the letters have jumped off the page and out of the book--they're all over now, and God is blowing me away completely.  I'm experiencing a crazy turn in life towards where my prayers seem to-and although i'm enjoying it immensely i know i'm also holding off from completely believing it--be moving towards their answer.  And i guess I've been praying for things, and believing for them to happen, yet at the same time thinking in all humility that I would be okay, you know, if God chose not to answer me in the ways i was asking him to.

But I KNOW that God gives us visions for a reason.  I also know that we can usually only see parts of the road at a time.  This one turn in the road that i am walking on takes my breath away, it's that beautiful.  I'm so glad that at (most of) the intersections in my life this far I have chosen to trust him rather than to spend tons of time freakin out or trying out all the other detours before sitting down to listen for God's voice.  And I'm glad that, although i didn't have to freak out--all I did was trust the feeling inside of me which I believe to be God--God either mercifully accepted my wrong turns or he actually had planted a right path in my heart in the first place.  My feeling is that the latter is the case though, although I can never know...  This particular part of my life definitely feels like a time of divine blessing and accomodation and surprise.  It is VERY strengthening to my faith, not in God himself but in his very alive and active involvement in our lives every day. 

Now, I think that at all times when we are experiencing extremes of any kind, we will, if we are able to maintain perspective, be enabled to see life more deeply and to gain a lot of wisdom from it.  Some people call these Kairos moments, and they talk about how we need to make sure we go through "the learning circle" when we are in a Kairos moment so that we come out better persons with more to offer, so that God can put into us all that he has intended.  and so that we can redirect ourselves towards our final life goal, i guess. 

There's tons of learning to do where i am at.  Along with all this blessing I am also experiencing so many opportunities to choose to trust God all over again.  And I think that some are opportunities to walk away from God.  I choose to take trials as a complement, as proof that I am moving forward in God's kingdom.  I really don't think that any of all these things going on right now are coincidential.  But I won't be overwhelmed:)

Yeah, this is another sappy post.  I'm mostly writing this for myself anyway, to be able to remember things and see life in perspective and to know what I am hoping for if life finds itself in a harder place again later on.  Through reading this you have become part of my "learning circle" ;)  Remember, before you let circumstances get to you, take a moment to sit still and just be, and ask God to be close to you.  He will direct you, I have no doubt in my heart about that.

A couple of weeks back I remembered a hymn i used to sing a lot when i was a teenager.  It's Swedish, called Blott en Dag, in English it's called Day by Day, and one of its lines say "as your day, your strength will be in measure --this the promise he has given me."  It's pretty dang awesome.  When I remembered this song, I spent a couple of hours singing it, and just remembered how God has promised to never ever let me go.  That is my experience, too, he never has let me go.  And I don't think he ever ever ever will.

I am so dang blessed.

These past two weeks I have gotten to share my apartment (which I myself is subletting for the summer for a perfect, low price) with a girl that showed up in my life out of nowhere.  She has been a perfect example of God's provision as I spoke of it a couple of blogs ago.  And such an encouragement in my journey towards "perfection" in God.

This past year God has sent me several people who have pointed me back to the direction in which I need to be going in order to stay with God and grow in his calling.

During fall I joined my church, Oasis, where I met people who became real inspirations for me.  My friendship with Ruth was deepened and she became a deeper spiritual sister to me.  For christmas I went to Virginia with my friend Dianne and LOVED spending time with her dad's mission minded friends, her house church--in particular her pastor--and her good, Godly girlfriends.  At the time they were all SUCH sources of inspiration for me.  It might sound strange, but seminary can really be a desert, and if you don't know where to go for water you may survive but still become a really dry-and-weird-looking, not-very-healthy plant.  And barely surviving is really not what any of us should be going for in life.  Then, in April, I miraculously ended up living with a group of Christians in England called ChurchNext.  Six very crucial and foundational weeks followed, where I was challenged, kept accountable and encouraged by this group of AMAZING, radical followers of Jesus.  This summer, since I've been back in Pasadena I have enjoyed knowing my friend Ryan even better, and he continues to challenge me and point me towards the reality and purpose of God here among us.  Yesterday I randomly (or not) met a couple who took me and Sarah out for lunch and encouragingly shared their life stories with us.  Also people like Matthew, Kirsten, Joy and Maria&Will have been people to keep me on track this summer and whom God is clearly working through.  Through pursuing and holding on in these friendships I am able to move more in the direction of God.  And I want to have those qualities in me--to be a person who undeniably points people towards the REALITY of God.  To live and breathe him, to learn to always act on what he is telling me so that I can be as strong a witness of his greatness and providence as Sarah has been to me these past couple of weeks.

I am at a place, by the way (have I said that on here yet?), where I have been able to tell God that wherever he will call me I will go.  I am struggling a tiny little bit with that aspect today; I think i have fallen back a little to where i used to be--feeling drawn between God's calling and the fact that I feel like i "owe" my family to stay near to them.  But really, I do believe that the only way to live is according to God's will, and as you take one step of faith God will straighten out what needs to be taken care of.  I could not be happy in any other way.  AND, way more importantly: more crucial things than my own happiness will come true when I live in his will.  I am seeing this revelation every day, if I choose to look for it in the places where I know by experience that I will see it. 

I am so blessed, and I want to choose to accept this blessing by living it and acting on it through following God's word and his active calling in my life.  I only have one month left here at Fuller now, as Ryan graciously pointed out to me the other day, and this is the exact time when I need to make the right decisions and hope that my heart has been finely enough tuned to listen to God and accept his providence rather than flimsying about a whole lot before I finally find my way.  The people that God has already given me will help, I am sure.  And there will be people, more amazing circumstances and opening doors.  I have great expectations, and some fears.  But I definitely mostly trust. 

I am planning to actually get some things done today. Haha::) Goodness, it's hard to be effective when your closest deadline is in September...

This afternoon me and a friend of mine will be going to San Diego to spend the weekend there with her family, poolside.  I've gotta say, that sounds to me like a fabulous way to spend a weekend. 

Apart from that everything is the same old, same old.  Or not. Things are slowly and steadily moving towards my post-study life.  I haven't had time to really sit down and look for jobs and apply for them yet.  I'm still really hoping for a job on campus to start off with.  And I'm excited about finding something with the prospect of me moving outside my comfort zone and learning a lot about completely new things.

I will try to write one, maybe two exam papers today. That will be my goal. But I'll start off walking to Walgreens to buy a razor so that I can prep for a looong weekend of intensive poolside socializing